My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
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Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Meowchelangelo
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
A bold strategy
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie