My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
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Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.