My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
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“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake