I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
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peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Thursday Thought.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Why is no one talking about this?!
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.