Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
You Might Also Like
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.