(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
two people or more is called a problem
“i am a sweet baby”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
hey, alexa
Just parrot things
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Personal question. #JustSaying
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.