@prettysadmostly: my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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@DirtMcTurd: Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren't called psychopaths? Well they should be.
@david8hughes: [phone rings] "Mr Hughes?" "Yeah." "We need u to come pick yr son up from school." "Ugh. Whats he done now?" "Nothing. Its nearly midnight."
@lazerdoov: *in a job interview* No no it's not a teardrop tattoo it's supposed to be sweat. It shows I'm a hard worker