my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Effort made
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator