my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
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“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
it was a valiant fight
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
How times have changed.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.