I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
You deplete me
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented