MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
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THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Basically.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?