What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
You Might Also Like
who will stop them
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Love it! 👍😂
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.