Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”