my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
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[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.