My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
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Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones