@JohnLyonTweets: My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It's also raisin free. And cake free. OK it's just rum.
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@FattMernandez: I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.
@DanMentos: One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic
@jackiembouvier: Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
@Storminika: I donate blood 5 times a year just so I'm less and less related to some of my relatives.