@JohnLyonTweets: My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It's also raisin free. And cake free. OK it's just rum.
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@markleggett: When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram.
@MsNitnots: Girl in front of me on the bus just sent a text that was like a novel and the response was like a word and now even I'm pissed off about it.
@GrumpyBahr: People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there's faster ways to commit suicide?
@ericsshadow: "Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn't have stolen all your jewelry."