My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
🍞🦆
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
When your parents check you’re ok.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…