My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Autocarrot sucks!
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
craving $300 all of a sudden
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.