My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
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It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”