@AGStr8upNinja: My safe word is "insufficient funds".
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies? Me: That’s an oddly specific question. 4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
@errdayhustlah: My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one. Parenting is hard, you guys.
@upsidedowntrash: [at séance] Me: If you truly are a ghost why don't you move this object Ghost: If you truly are a human why don't you get your shit together