My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY