My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.