My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?