My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
LA today:
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I’m about to risk it all
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before