“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
You Might Also Like
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
ugh not again
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume