Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
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I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
don’t be scared
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy