My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
You Might Also Like
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Just me and my debit card against the world
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.