My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life