My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.