My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.