@Cheeseboy22: My sensitive toothpaste can't stop crying.
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@cray_at_home_ma: Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn't answer my phone for 5 years
@AmericanGent69: Me: Powers out. I'll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn't spoil Wife: You just turned off the lights Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
@QwertyJones3: "What'd you do this weekend?" I was shooting craps. "Oh you went to a casino?" *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.