My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.