@totalwackjob: My sex life has improved so much I'm thinking of asking someone else to join me...
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@rolldiggity: 1. Put "Out of Order" sign on a staircase. 2. Wait until someone says, "Stairs can't be out of order!" and uses them. 3. Release the bees.
@garrydavenport: Me: "If Americans say 'sidewalk', what do we mean in England?" My six year old: "Crab!"
@mjkspeaks: [call] MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm. ME: idgaf about snow i'm a gangster. MOM: what? ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.