@samalmightysam: My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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@TheMichaelRock: Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog? Her: Neither. I'm vegan. Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.
@Serious_Law_Guy: Me: Your honor, he's not asking the witness any questions. He's just reading Harry Potter to the jury. Judge: Yeah, I'm gonna allow it.
@envydatropic: According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80's that brought you any level of fame
@LuckoftheDraw86: In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.