My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Succinctly put.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.