@samalmightysam: My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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@seamussaid: I bring my own pen into the bank because I don't need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
@Fred_Delicious: [Jumps into taxi] "FOLLOW..." [taxi driver turns around excitedly] "...ME ON TWITTER" [Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
@KalvinMacleod: If you would have told me 20 years ago that I'd be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what's an internet.