@samalmightysam: My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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@AlanFelyk: “You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
@DareDarilyn: Before being born, I wish I would have been able to select the difficulty level of my life.
@retniw_nuf: I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don't understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
@OutOfLeftField_: Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days? Me: I think that's a myth. Friend: No it's definitely a butterfly.