My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
yes… yes…
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.