My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
You Might Also Like
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”