My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.