My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
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Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.