My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
You Might Also Like
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water