@NicestHippo: "It's now or nev—" ME: Never. I choose never.

@STEELERS1972: So I met this hooker who said she'd do anything for ten bucks . Guess who got his yard cut?

@RobDenBleyker: IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

@SamGrittner: This Uber driver is the worst. I can't roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won't open, and now his siren is blaring.

@david8hughes: A black James Bond? Wouldn't work. He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.