I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
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Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries