My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m sorry…what?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*