A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
got so much cardio in today
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.