Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
You Might Also Like
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Carpe DM
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”