My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*