My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
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“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley