My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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me opening up to someone
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Not today, today.
Not today.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
North and South
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]