@melpraktis: When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.

@reczit: Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

@JasonLastname: My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I'm skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

@SteveKoehler22: Wait ... "El Chapo" is a Mexican drug lord .... and not the guy who's been stealing our Chapsticks for years ?

@polychromatik: Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies? *crowd goes wild B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES *crowd goes nuts B:I CANT HEAR YOU!