My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats