my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat