@IamEnidColeslaw: my signature move is called "the Mouse," where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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@hellohappy_time: [texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
@rzarosco: Just in: Chinese people confirm they were just messing with us with chopsticks. "You guys look like dumb idiots lol" says one Chinese guy
@RocketRankoon: No mister movie ticket guy that's not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that's my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
@david8hughes: [job int] "Under skills u put 'not being afraid of pigeons'." [nervously shifts in chair] "That's right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?"