my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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Previously On Persistence 😎
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand