My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.