@jeannerbeaner: My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don't like it.
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@therealeatwood: DOCTOR: I’m sorry but we had to replace your face with an emoji ME: What?! Wait—which emoji? DOCTOR: The smiley face ME: OHHH NOOO!!!!! 😀
@AlmightyBored: Her: We had our friend for dinner. Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that. Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
@KeetPotato: [at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: "what d'you call a fly with no wings" dave: "keith dont" me: "a WALK!" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]