My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
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[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
😎 🍻
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy