@bengulate: My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.
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@shawnspree: Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3? Me: Maybe you're pregnant? Wife: What's wrong with you? *damn you webMD, damn you.
@SpankMeIm0ty: At the rate I'm throwing shit out as I pack to move there's a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
@NikiWithIssues: Dad: Let's talk, we never talk. Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something... Dad: You can tell me anything. Me: I'm Batman. Dad: Get out.
@AndyRuther: If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.