My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
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I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks