@bengulate: My signature move is falling in love with a beautiful girl, then giving her really good advice on how to date someone else.
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@lazerdoov: I can't prove God isn't real, but at the same time, I can't prove that my dog doesn't run a violent Asian street gang while I'm asleep.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos? Me: You have the flu. 6: I’m sick, not dead.
@TrainedHedonist: We're out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.